whats a crush to do?
by 0xnevershoutneverx0
Summary: "its just a crush nothing more it cant be right? like i mean shes a girl and my best friend?" spencer keeps telling herself this but what happens when she starts loosing the battle between her heart and head and starts to give in to her feelings.
1. Happy the hard way

_**ok this is my first fanfic please review and tell me if i should continue or not and ur ideas on this story are much appreaciated :) **_**_kthanks_**

what do you do when the one you love doesn't love you back? Who never sees you as more than the best friend the one who's always there no matter what the ones whose shoulders always there to cry on and arms are always open just the good friend nothing more nothing less...

Ok pretty cliché I know, my names Spencer carlin and as you can already guess I'm in love with my best friend. You're probably thinking yeah and so what, it's happened to everyone..? Just another typical girl crushing on her best friend the guy that's been there her whole life but never sees her as more right? Wrong see it's nothing like that well ok the crushing on best friend part 'ding ding' 10 points! That parts right but see here's the hilarious and most shit part about it it's not a guy at all in fact it's a very beautiful brunette named Ashley Davies yep you guessed it a girl...

Ok so I never planned on any of this happening I cant exactly control who I like and how I feel for them, oh how I wish I could then I wouldn't have to deal with keeping this massive secret from the one person I trust the most, without having to get jealous whenever I see a guy or girl have their hands all over her oh or when she talks about how hot they are oh yeah Ashley's "not exactly into labels" but most people would call her bisexual, but What kills the most is never being able to answer the simple question of "what's wrong?" Because the real reason is her! And I hate it. I hate that on stupid little secret and these stupid feelings could destroy everything, I've thought countless times about whether I should tell her or not but there's too much at stake I wouldn't dare risk it, on the other hand it could be the best thing that's ever happened to me that she feels the same or she could do the complete opposite and things could be so awkward between us that she'd never want to see me again let alone talk to me she could just disappear from my life and as much as I want her to know how I feel I couldn't handle that.

So you're probably wondering when my life became so messed up and confusing well a couple of month's back Aiden who was Ashley's well our best friend had moved to Ohio to go live with his dad for a while we were sad he was leaving but we knew he would be back , Aiden was the tall dark and handsome type of guy with the perfect body he was really sweet and boyfriend material but I could never see him like that has like a brother to me and we both know that, Ashley of course was the dark and mysterious one that people knew nothing about it took me over a year just to get her to spill a few secrets she was also the most rebellious one out of me and Aiden she was one of those "everything once " type of a person she's always trying to get Aiden well it's just me now to skip class, she drinks and smokes whenever she gets the chance and Aiden and I were always the ones picking her up from the floor or getting her out of fights ,trees, bushes even her next door neighbour's dog kennel take your pick, but since Aiden left it was just me and her which as you can guess brought us closer and closer each day and this is where the feelings started and I had officially become screwed.

Then there's me of course Spencer carlin the one who people think they know oh so well and understand but really Ashley's the only one who does she can tell when I'm sad even when I have the biggest smile on my face she can always tell what I'm thinking it's almost like wed be perfect together but I'm just the best friend key word here being "friend" and I have to keep reminding myself of that everyday I see her and boy does it hurt. I was always I was always the student with the perfect grades that every girl wanted to be and every guy wanted to have ok that's a bit vain but it's the truth and I had never even questioned or thought twice about my sexuality but that all changed when Ashley Davies decided to be best friends with me and change my life in so many ways I didn't think where possible.


	2. mindset

I was sitting in science listening to Mr smith going on about something to do with the earth and something about layers I couldn't really concentrate when Ashley was sitting so close to me our thighs were just touching and her arm would occasionally brush against my own, making my heart skip every time

I couldn't care less about the earth at the moment this class was so boring but I couldn't let Ashley know that, I don't know how id survive if she wasn't in the same class as me I'm the only reason she goes to class half the time.

I'm staring at the back of the cheerbitch Madisons head with her "perfect" hair and flawless skin she's such a bit- "ow" I'm snapped out of my trance when a scrunched up piece of paper hits me in the side if the head I turn to look at Ashley who is trying so hard to hold in her laughter, read it she mouths.

_Spency sorry to tell you, you haven't got super powers which means Madison head isn't going to explode anytime soon ;) so when you're done trying maybe we could skip?_

I couldn't help but smile, not even third period and ash is already sick of school I don't blame her without Aiden school hasn't been that entertaining, don't get me wrong I love spending time with Ashley but Aiden was hilarious and always found some way to make time fly and made school believe it or not fun.

"Please Spencer I'm dying here!" she says as she pokes my side, I shake my head "no" I turn and she's looking at me pouting and using that puppy dog face she knows I always give in to "ash you can't use that face on me" I say as I roll my eyes, she's sitting there smiling "no ash..That face isn't working" she tilts her head to the side and pouts more "oh my god fine!"I say as I cross my arms "yes! Oh Spence I kind of like this rebellious side of you" she says as she winks and wraps her arms around me, I'm such a pushover.

Before I knew it Ashley's got a hold of my hand sneaking me out the door, I find it totally pathetic that a simple gesture like this could make me weak in the knees and my palms a sweaty mess, gross I know wait or is it Ashley's hand no it can't be could it.?

"_So where do you plan on taking me ash better be romantic?"_

I say with a cheeky grin

"_Ha ha, very funny well it's the first time you've actually said yes to skipping with me and I'm your first, I want it to be special so it's a surprise_. "

She laughs and sticks her tongue out at me.

Before I knew it I was blindfolded and sitting in Ashley's car,

"_Ash I really don't think it's necessary to blindfold me, if you're going to kill me just tell me now I can't handle the suspense." _

"_Oh quit being such a baby we're here anyway."_

Ashley takes my hand and helps me out of the car I have no clue where we are I can here water tho, and birds. She all of a sudden stops and I stumble and almost lose my balance but she wraps her arms around my waist to steady me, it feels so right me in her arms _no Spencer! Just the friend nothing more! _I think as I shake my head trying to get rid of those thoughts crossing my mind.

She loosens the blindfold and I open my eyes blinking a few times while my eyes adjust to the light, I'm speechless to what see it's a beautiful lake with crystal clear water and I can just see a waterfall over a few rocks and behind some trees and shrubs, and the faint sound of birds, other than that the silence its almost deafening, I look over and see Ashley taking her clothes off

"_Ash what are you doing?"_

I say as I divert my eyes to anywhere but her perfectly sculpted body

"_Well the sun won't shine forever"_

She says as if it was normal to strip in the middle of the bush

"_What if someone's looking?" _

I'm still not looking at her even tho it's taking every muscle in my body and so much willpower not to sneak a quick glance

"_Awww is Spency shy c'mon your body isn't that special" _

I turn around and she's already undressed wearing just her bra and underwear, she puts her hands on her hips and gives me a look so tell me to hurry up. Ashley's seen me in a bikini before but it feels different this time.

"_What the hell."_

I say as I start strip down, I can see in the corner of my eye Ashley staring at me

"_Like what you see? Ur such a perve" _

I wink and slowly start to pull down my jeans.

"_I am not perving, there's not much to look at anyway" _

Ashley says as she nudges me

My jaw drops oh she's going to pay for that, I grab her wrist and gently push her so I'm the only thing stopping her from falling in.

"_SPENCE!"_ she shrieks

"_Say you're sorry, or I might slip and accidently let you go"_ I stick my tongue out at her

"_You wouldn't dare" _

I lean in a little more our faces are just centimetres apart; I can feel her breath on my lips, she starts to slowly close the gap between us Ashley is about to kiss me finally, the butterflies in my stomach are on overload I can hear my heartbeat everything around me begins to blur I'm focused on Ashley and her lips moving closer to mine, my eyes slowly shut and I feel my body being pulled closer, but Ashley's lips don't touch mine nor does her body which means there's nothing between me and the lake and nothing will stop me which can only mean one thing... I feel the rush of cold water all over my body, its freezing I come to the surface only to see Ashley on the ground holding her stomach laughing.

"_You...should've...seen...you're...Face!"_

She manages to get out between fits of laugher, oh she's so dead now I quickly pull myself out of the lake and grab her waist and pull her in with me.

"_Its freezing!"_ she yells out

"_Don't be such a baby"_

I say and splash her, we were in the lake for a while til my stupid phone had to ring and my mom wanted me home, we get our stuff and start walking back to the car.

"I had fun today ash I'm glad I came with you."

"Yeah I'm glad you came to" she says as she grabs my hand and intertwines our fingers

"What are you doing?" I say with a puzzled look, I'm not complaining but Ashley isn't exactly the holding hands type. She pulls my hand up and looks at it and starts to trace her finger around my palm.

"I'm checking your lifeline wanna know if you're going to be around for a while."

She smiles and drops my hand but doesn't let go,

Its moments like this I realize I'm heels over head and this girls got a hold of my heart, I'm Falling even more in love with her everyday and I know I shouldn't feel this way and at this moment Getting over her feels impossible I've tried so hard before to push the feelings away but the butterflies won't stop I'm loosing this battle between my heart and head and to be honest I don't think I'll ever win.


	3. I don't think she loves me

We were hanging out, As usual, just talking to each other_, ____then Ashley told me how she thought she might be falling for someone and that I knew them really well, of course I knew it was only matter of time before she started to fall for Aiden _I couldn't help but feel completely crushed, Even though we were "Just Friends".. she saw How hurt I was when he told me , and she leaned over and Tickled me trying to make me laugh, she pushed me down onto the bed and pinned me down straddling me.. And then just looked in my eyes, we didn't say anything I just kept looking into my best friend's eyes, the one I have always loved, and then she leaned in and kissed me. I don't think I had a pulse for that split second, My mind was racing with millions of questions and my heart was pounding, And then..I Woke Up ; And I WasBack To Reality, thanks to my stupid brother glen waking me up for school ugh cant a girl get a break?

ok so today I'm going to tell her she's my best friend she deserves to know and I can't handle keeping this secret from her, shell understand she has to I mean I accepted when she came out as bisexual to me although it was a bit awkward for a couple of days and even tho she's the one that came out to me she didn't hug me or speak to me properly it was always short one word answers, now I think about it the only reason we stayed friends was probably because of Aiden maybe I'll tell her tomorrow yep tomorrow it is well it would be better cause I don't even know if I'll see her today.

"_Spencer Ashley's here" _

Shit. Well it seemed the perfect plan in my head I forgot Ashley was driving me to school today. Maybe I should tell her you know get it off my chest the sooner the bet-

"_SPENCER!"_

"_I'm Coming Glen!"_

That's twice my stupid brother has ruined things, first my dream which is I think the only time me and Ashley would ever be together and now I don't have a plan this isn't good. I grab my bag and run downstairs and out the door. Ashley's leaning against her car as usual she looks so hot today she's wearing a ripped tee which shows off her toned stomach and jeans which are tight in all the right places.

"_About time Spence, shesh"_

_She says as she scrunches her nose she looks so cute when she does that._

"_Yeah, sorry I was in the bathroom"_

"_What? Did you fall in or something wait don't tell me I don't wanna know. Ew ok c'mon were going to be late"_

"_Wow Ashley Davies worried about being late to school, who are you and where's Ashley!"_

I say as I grab her arm and spin her around

"Oh my god Spence that was so hilarious I forgot to laugh" she gives me that smug smile and gets in the car

I thought all the way to school if I should tell her then and there but it was too dangerous she might be so freaked out she crashes the car, or she kicks me out in the middle of the highway and I never see her again, before I know it were at school well ok ill tell her next chance were alone together yeah perfect!

We start walking to field we have to kill a few minutes before school starts I guessI'm telling her then_, ok Spence you're going to tell her no chickening out! We both sit down and Ashley puts her hand on my knee._

_A- "Is something wrong? You seem quiet, really quiet" _

_S- "No why would anything be wrong I guess I'm just thinking about a lot of stuff."_

_A-"Yeah me to, what kind of stuff has been going through that head of yours?"_

_S-"well have you ever fallen for someone you wish you could be with, even tho you know that person doesn't want to be with you?" _

_A-"well Spence I got to tell you something, I think I've fallen for someone to they've been my friend for while and to be honest I've never wanted anything so bad, I've never wanted anyone so much."_

She starts to blush, oh my god could she be talking about me! A feel a smile begin to form on my face

_S-"oh really, who?" _

I ask trying to sound as least interested as possible; I can't believe what I'm hearing Ashley's falling for me!

A-"well her name is s-"

"ASHLEY!"

I turn around to see a skinny red headed girl running over towards us; she jumps on Ashley and gives her a massive kiss

_WHAT! A kiss! I blink a few times and rub my eyes to make sure what I just saw was real. It can't be she's falling for me!_

I open my eyes and that little skank has her hands all over Ashley body and attacking her face, I feel like I should warn everyone and tell them to grab the pitch forks to get rid of this thing attacking Ashley, I feel my stomach churn as the girl releases Ashley but still clings to her hand the same hand I was holding less than a day ago I feel jealousy taking over I can feel anger run through my blood I hate her and I don't even know her name I feel like I'm going to be sick just watching her with the one thing I want the most and yet the one thing I can't have. My eyes are focused on their interlocking hands I can't tear my gaze away I've never felt like this before I hate it.

"_SPENCE, earth to Spencer! This is Samantha; this is who I was talking about"_

"_Oh sorry, um yeah nice to meet you"_

"_Wow things really are going through your head today, what were you going to tell me by the way?"_

"_Oh nothing don't worry it was something stupid, um I got to go... I have to ....um get my book off glen. Ok bye" _

I fake a smile and walk off without even waiting for her response I can't stand to look at them together, I'm feeling the sting as I get closer to ashley,it hurts I'm feeling things I've never felt before and I'm not even with Ashley! What is wrong with me, she has no clue what she's making me feel I guess I just have to keep denying the things that burn deep down inside, I'm barely breathing but she just sees a smile I guess some people are meant to fall in love with each other but never meant to actually be together. I think from now on it would be safer to heart her than to love her and loose her, ugh! Why is it that every time something good happens in my life? It's like someone decides hmm, looks like she's little to happy lets fuck her life up a little more.

_**pleasse review i really want to know what you **_


	4. a heart doesnt breakeven

I've been sitting at the back of the field for a while now the tears have stopped but I still can't get the image of Ashley And that whore kissing, right when I finally work up the courage to tell Ashley how I really feel someone has to come along and ruin it I should've told her earlier that day at the lake would've been perfect, but I got so scared maybe things are better left unsaid, like I mean what if Ashley's really happy with Samantha and if she's happy then so am I isn't that how it goes when you love someone you want them to be happy even I it hurts you I thought the tears had stopped but they just come back again every time I think of her, I try to stop them but I cant they start to fall harder than how I fell for Ashley, it's my fault I feel this way I should've tried harder to push the feelings away but I just gave up and I fell for her now this is what its lead to, me sitting alone behind the school crying and Ashley doesn't know she doesn't have a clue what she does to me.

"_Sucks doesn't it?"_

A tall thin girl with blonde hair and blue eyes sat down beside me and lit a smoke, she had no taste in fashion whatsoever she wore a floral skirt with a yellow jumper and her hair was straight and fringe pinned to the side.

"_What does?" _

I say as I wipe the tears and pretend I wasn't crying and act like I have no idea what she's talking about

"_Watching the one you love, love someone else."_

"_I'm not watching anyone love someone else and who are you by the way?"_

Ok that was a lie and I did a pretty shit job at hiding it to, whenever I lie my voice goes higher than normal.

"_Today I haven't really decide"_

We both laugh and that's a good thing it takes a lot to even make me smile when I'm feeling like shit

"_I'm Naomi, and who are you trying to convince me or you?" _

"_Spencer, nice to meet you Naomi, but am I suppose to have any clue what you're going on about_"

I say with the cheesiest grin I'm smiling and I don't know why my hearts just been practically ripped out well that's what it sure feels like, I'm playing dumb and it's not working she's just giving me this smirk.

"_Well you practically ran off when that girl attached herself to your best friends face, then I find you away from everyone crying your eyes looking like your hearts just been ripped out and crushed to pieces, now your reason for all this is..."_

I just stare at her I'm speechless how can someone I've never met read me so well and pretty much summarise everything I'm feeling in a few sentences

"_Exactly my point, so are you in love with her"_

I can't believe a complete stranger can know that I'm _in love_ with my best friend and Ashley can't even get the slightest hint.

"_Um she's a girl and I'm straight I like my meat and 2 veg thanks" _

"_Hun you're as straight as a u-turn"_

We both look at each other and burst into fits of laughter.

"_So you still haven't answered my question are you in love with her?"_

"_If I said no would I regret it?"_

"_Probably, but not because of me"_

She smiles at me and puts her cigarette out she searchers around in her bag for a moment then grabs my arm and writes her number, then stands up and walks away.

"_I guess I'll see you around Spencer you should call me sometime we could hang or something, maybe I could help you with your whole love situation"_

I have no idea what she meant by that last suggestion but I will defiantly be calling her soon, I stand up and head to class oh great I've got science with Ashley normally I would be happy but I just don't feel like seeing her at the moment.

//

"_Where did you run off to this morning?"_

"_Nowhere like I said I had to get my book of glen..."_

I can't lie for shit and Ashley knows it, maybe if I ignore her shell stop asking and forget about it I'm really not in the mood to explain what's wrong and this isn't exactly the best place or time.

"_Spence what's wrong? Did I say something or do anything, why you acting like this?"_

"_Acting like what?"_

I feel bad for not telling Ashley the real reason but I can't not here not now.

"_Like this! You were fine then as soon as we got to school you did a complete back flip? You know what forget I even asked ok."_

We sit in silence for almost the whole period neither of us in the mood to talk but I don't want things to be like this I hate it when Ashley's angry and ignoring me for some stupid reason.

"_Soo...Who was Samantha?"_

Ok I think that was the stupidest thing to ask, I could've asked anything and it had to be that great now I have to listen to her and about how in love she is with her that's just perfect.

"Oh she was just a friend"

I could tell by the harshness in her words Ashley was still angry at me from before and didn't want to talk to me but I kept going, as much as I didn't want to hear about Samantha I was curious like what kind of "friends" practically suffocate each other with their mouths

"Really ...So what, shes just another one of your fuck buddies? Ashley you hook up with people for no reason at all! "

I practically shout at her jealousy took over, I don't look at Ashley but I can feel her eyes on me I think I've really pissed her off now but I didn't mean to say it something came over me it just came out like word vomit.

"Relax okay, she is just a friend. It's nothing to get all jealous over. It's not like you're my girlfriend!"

The bell rings and before I can even say sorry or stop her she's grabbed her stuff and already out the door, I wish I never asked I could've just sat there in silence why do I always have to mess things up? Me and Ashley fight but we always forgive each other pretty much as soon as the fight starts but this is different, I wish I knew what was going through her mind and if us fighting hurts her as much as it hurts me, I don't think my heart can take much more, I'm scared I want it to be like it was before,

If Ashley does hurt, it's not a good thing whenever Ashley feels any bad emotion she gets completely smashed and I'm always the one to pick up the pieces, well it seems getting smashed seems to drown out the emotion and work for her so I don't see why it can't work for me. I leave the classroom and txt Naomi

_Hey it's Spencer, just wondering if you wanna hang out need to take my mind off things. Xx  
_

We only just spoke but I really need to take my mind off Ashley and Naomi seems the type to be up for anything she replies straight away

_I thought you'd never ask ;) my friends having a party around 6ish you up for it?_

A party is just what I need right now, I think me and Naomi will get along just fine.

_Sure can't wait really in the mood to get smashed :) .xx_

I don't see the Ashley the rest of the day she probably skipped or with Samantha her "friend" I guess I'm walking home then.

As much as I don't want to care I can't stop, I think about Ashley much more than I should and now that I think about it I always have, these feelings have only just risen to the surface now and started to take control I guess they were always there just never spoke of.

_**pllleeeaassee sorry if i dont update in the next couple of days school is really ugh atm **_


	5. safer to hate her

_**Thanks for your reviews they really do make me happy :) cheesy i know. sorry if i dissapoint with this chapter.**_

**Spencers POV**

My phone vibrates and I leap across the bed and grab it, thinking it was Ashley but it wasn't of course why would she call me to apologize she thinks she's done nothing wrong as usual. It's a text from Naomi

_Ready to get completely smashed? ;) _

I quickly text back a yes and where I lived, I was wearing skinny jeans with a white top that was very tight around my body and black heels and my hair had loose curls in it, I hear the doorbell, I quickly open the door and Naomi has been completely transformed from last time I saw her she looked beautiful, she wore a tight strapless short purple dress that hugged all the right curves on her body and her hair was wavy with a cute bow holding her fringe to the side and wore knee high boots

"Wow you look...Amazing"

"Thanks you to, those jeans make it looks like you actually have an ass"

"Hey!"

I pout and playfully shove her, then grab my jacket and lead her out the door.

**Ashley's POV**

I feel awful about the fight between me and Spencer I hate it when we don't talk, I've been sitting at home staring at my phone for over an hour wondering if I should call or not but then again why should I, spencers the one who overreacted I didn't do anything wrong did I? I didn't mean to make Spencer feel the way she did I could tell how hurt she was but I didn't know why she couldn't think of me as more than the good friend, like I mean she's straight...I think? Well I've never really asked her about her sexuality I just always assumed that she was she's had boyfriends before but she would tell me if she was gay wouldn't she?

Me and Spencer Are meant to be so much more than friends but I wonder if she knows it. I thought that maybe if I made Spencer see me with another person it would make her want me more...but it didn't instead it did the exact opposite and pushed Spencer away and that's the last thing I want at the moment, if she could only see the truth, that I'm too afraid to show what's coming over me and that what I feel when I'm with her I don't think I've felt with anyone else. My phone vibrates and I leap across the room to grab it, thinking it was Spencer it wasn't it was Samantha

_Hey babe friends having a party you in?_

I don't really want to see Samantha I'm not blaming her for what happened today its my fault I used her that way but I guess I could do with getting smashed I need to just take my mind off things and try to forget about a certain someone.

_Yes! Can't wait. Pick me up soon.X_

I quickly grab a pair of black ripped jeans and a tank top I'm not in the mood to impress anyone tonight. No sooner had I replied Samantha's here I race downstairs and leave.

**Spencers POV**

We arrive the party and people are already off their faces, were not even inside and I can feel the music run through my body it's so loud, there's already two girls throwing up in the bushes and half naked guy trying to pick up any girl he can get. I've never really been drunk before let alone tasted alcohol so I can already tell tonight will be very interesting.

"Well this seems...fun whose party is it anyways?"

I say to Naomi with a smirk

"Oh c'mon once you get few drinks into you it'll be a blast and its cooks trust me you'll meet him son enough"

She grabs my hand and pulls me inside and into the kitchen she grabs the closest bottle she can find and start to drink it.

"Wow do you even know what that is?"

She looks at me like that was the stupidest question to ask

"Tequila of course"

She fills two shot glasses and hands them to me, then just stands there and watches me.

"Well c'mon then"

She says, I down them both the shots, the liquid burns the back of my throat it taste awful and makes me cringe Naomi just laughs and pulls me to the dance floor. The music's so loud I can barely hear myself think which is a good thing at the moment I just want to forget, Naomi sticks out her tongue and a pill is just on the tip before I even register what she was doing was she pulls me in to a kiss I straight away feel her tongue I open my mouth and feel her slide the pill I accept it and swallow.

We dance to the music and I feel Naomi's body pressed right up against mine I can feel her heart beat in my back her hands snake around my waist and she kisses along my neck the pill is slowly taking effect everything seems to slow down, Naomi turns me around she leans in to press her lips against mine when someone yanks my shoulder I stumble and fall to the ground

"What the fuck Spencer!"

I'd know that voice anywhere even with the music as loud as it was, the one person I came here to forget is standing right n front of me with no other then Samantha her "friend".

"Ashley...HEY ASHLEY! What are you doing here oh look your here with your besterest friend samanthaaaaa"

I couldn't help but giggle at my words knew this wasn't the right time but I couldn't control myself my words sounded so hilarious so did Ashley's. Everything starts to get blurry and my eyes get heavy

I hear the music start to fade along with everything else I can just hear Ashley's faint voice

"What the fuck did you give her?"

I see her shout at Naomi and shove her, Naomi immediately shoves her back and before I could even adjust to what is happening there both on the floor trying to rip each other apart, Ashley's on top of Naomi trying to hit her but Naomi has a hold of her wrists, I get up off the floor and push Ashley off Naomi and try to break it up then someone shoves me and I go flying across the room and hit my head into the table, I'm on the floor once again but this time I feel pressure on my stomach blink a few times and open my eyes to Naomi grabbing Samantha by the hair trying to pull her off me two guys from the crowd separate us and I can tell that Ashley is completely shocked by what just happened.

"Spence"

She says as she bends down and puts her hand on my cheek to see if I'm alright

"Don't ok! just leave me alone" I shout at her as I push her arm away and stand up and go into the lounge room grabbing the bottle of tequila as I go I sit on the couch glaring at Ashley she looks so confused and sad she turns her head and goes off somewhere with Samantha yet again, just because of one stupid fight I'm not going to let it ruin my plans I came here to get smashed and forget about things so that's exactly what I'm going to do.

I'm not even sitting down 5 mins before a boy with shaggy brown hair and blue eyes comes and sits down beside me.

"What do you want?"

The words just came out I didn't mean to sound so mean but is as just so pissed of I wasn't in the mood for some dickhead.

"Whoa babe easy I'm cook."

He extends his arm and is looking straight at my boobs an doesn't even try to hide it

"Spencer. Now what do you want?"

I don't even bother shaking his hand I just sit there with my arms crossed and tequila by my side.

"Well I saw you sitting here and I was just thinking."

"Yeah what's that?"

I say as least interesting as possible

"I think we should wily waggle"

I turn to him and his wiggling his eyebrows like a little school boy

"What?"

I say with a disgusted look on my face

"You know me and you, we should go to it."

I can't believe what he just said I'm staring at him with my mouth open and a confused look on my face

"Um ok sorry buddy but I want to have sex with girls"

I can't believe I just said that, I even shocked myself the main reason being it's true. The Boy looks at me for a moment with a stupid look on his face

"I don't get it?"

Can this boy get any thicker now I see why I really do like girls?

"Ok ill say it slowly so you can understand, I like girls I like their rosy lips, their hard nipples, bums, soft eyes... I like tits and fanny; there I said it now you can take your crayola dick elsewhere."

He stares at me for a moment before he burst out laughing he stands up and walks away, so I finally said it... I like girls no I like a girl no wait I love her, I love Ashley. I already feel like this massive weight has been lifted and I haven't even told the person that I want to know well I guess it's a start right? Even tho this party started out in the shitest way possible I'm feeling a lot better I finish of the last of the tequila and get up to go find Ashley to apologize

_**pleaassee reveiwww .XX**_


	6. cat and mouse

**ok i really have no idea where this story is headed so if its bit messed up and confusing im sorry :)**

**Ashley's POV**

Samantha and I are sitting on the bed neither of us have said a word still shocked about what had happened earlier I put my head in my hands and sigh how could things have changed so much in a matter of days, I just want things to go back.

"Hey cheer up we're here to have fun and you need to take your mind of things?"

She pokes my side which is the most ticklish part of my body I jerk to the side

"Oh is someone ticklish aye?"

She pokes my side again I can't control the small giggles that escape,

"NO! Samantha please stop."

I manage to get out between my uncontrollable laughter I try to push her hand away but I can't she grabs my wrists and pins me down on the bed straddling me, she holds my hands above my head she's stopped tickling me and we just lay there staring at each other for a moment, she leans down and captures my lips with her own, she begins to deepen this kiss.

"Wait. Samantha I can't, I know it sounds stupid but it doesn't feel right, I like Spencer"

She looks at me confused

"Ashley, Spencer doesn't want you if she did she wouldn't be here with Naomi would she? but I'm here and I want you can't you see that?"

All those things she just said are true as much as I don't want to hear them and accept it I have to Spence found someone, she's made it clear that she doesn't want me she wants Naomi hearing her name makes my blood boil and I feel jealousy and spite take over I wrap my hands around Samantha's neck and pull her into a passionate kiss as much as I want to push her away and stop this I can't instead I let her, _I want this I want Samantha not Spencer _I keep trying to convince myself, I feel her tongue brush my lips, she moves and trails kisses down my jaw I can't control the moan that escapes my mouth as she bites and sucks on my neck , her hand traces across my stomach and plays with the hem of my top I raise my arms and she pulls my top off and throws it across the room , she pushes her knee between my legs we both can't control the moans, we break apart for a split second and I flip her over so now I'm straddling her I lean down to capture her lips once again but all I can think about is Spencer it's not right, as I go to pull away from her and tell her I love Spence then the door swings open

"Ashley I'm sorry about befo-"

Spencer stands there with wide eyes and her mouth wide open at a half naked me straddling Samantha.

"Shit. Uh um sorry I see you're...busy"

Spencer looked so hurt and angry I've really screwed up this time I roll off Samantha and run after Spencer I don't care that I don't have a shirt on I have to tell Spencer it wasn't what it looked like, oh how original I roll my eyes at my own thoughts.

I search through the massive crowed of sweaty bodies I can't see Spencer anywhere, then I turn around to see Spencer and Naomi together Naomi has her hands around spencers neck pulling her in to a kiss right then I feel something I've never felt before I feel like I'm going to be sick I can't handle feeling like this so I deal with it the best way I know how I go upstairs get dressed and grab a bottle of vodka and head to the dance floor.

I've already downed half the bottle of vodka and I can tell that I've had enough I can barely stand but Spencer keeps crossing my mind so I drink til there's nothing left. I should really find Spencer and tell her how happy I am that she's discovered herself and who she is and that she's found someone she's really happy with

I walk around to find Spence and Naomi hand in hand in the kitchen, Naomi whispers something to her then leaves now's my chance I guess

"SPENCER! Hey spenceeyyy"

I wrap my arms around her waist and pull her into a hug

"Ugh Ashley what the fuck is wrong with you, you smell like puke"

"I have to something tell you!"

I start laughing at how ridiculous I sound I swear that sounded right in my head, She looks so angry right now and i have no clue why I'm about to admit my feelings for her and she looks like she's just about ready to kill me.

"I'm in love you soooooooooo much Spence and me and you were like, like Mac and cheese you know and when I saw you with that little skank of a whore toad frog thingo it really hurt which is funny cause I've never felt like that before and I jus-"

She cuts me off before I can even finish my speech

"Ash! I think you've had way too much to drink, I'll take you home c'mon"

She puts my arm around her shoulder and wraps her arms around my waist and leads me out the door we get halfway down the driveway when I realize that for once I'm actually going to say what I feel.

"Wait, wait, wait."

I push Spencer away from me which wasn't a good idea I loose balance and start to fall backwards I grab spencers hand and she falls with me into the bush she's just laying on top of me we lay there staring into each other's eyes then I do what I've always wanted I lean in to close the gap between us and just to taste those lips but she pulls away

"Ash I can't, not like this"

She looks so sad and goes to walk away but I grab her wrist

"What the hell Spence? Sometimes you're pulling me close to you and then I_**try to take a step**_ towards you and you close up and move away"

She stands there not saying anything shocked by my words.

"Do I really make it that easy to walk right in and out of my life? You know what Spence I never wanted to see you unhappy and to be honest I thought you'd want the same for me, I guess I was wrong"

I got to walk away but she grabs me and presses her lips against mine, they taste so sweet I put my hands on her waist and pull her in closer so there's not space between us her tongue brushes against my lips and I open my mouth, it felt so right and I've waiting so long for it I feel her pull away and I already miss those lips that made me fly.

"ash since you're probably not going to remember anything tomorrow I may as well say it now while I've got the balls, so here it goes, I was scared of the way I felt about you so I tried so hard to make these feelings go away but I couldn't they wouldn't stop messing with my heart, you are the one person who could ruin my life, so I pushed you away I hated that you have this hold on me I didn't want to be a slave to the way I felt about you, and really id die for you, and I learnt that love is unconditional it's not something you feel when they act the way you want them to ,I love you Spence there I said it three simple words so why was it so hard to say to you.

Right now I'm speechless Spencer has just said everything I've wanted to hear for so long I don't know what to say so I lean in and close what feels like a massive gap between us I barely graze her lips when everything started to get blurry and I felt really dizzy I couldn't hear the music anymore the blur soon turned to black and before I knew it I was out I guess that vodka finally caught up with me, that's just great I realized that getting smashed and trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never knew it's frustrating, useless and possibly screwed up the best moment in my life.

**please **


	7. if i only had the heart

**Ashley's POV**

I wake up the next morning feeling nothing like p diddy instead I have got a throbbing headache and my throat kills it's like that feelings you get after you dry swallow a pill, I open my eyes and immediately shut them again the light is so bright it stings my eyes I blink a few times while my eyes adjust I stretch my arm out and surprised that I feel someone I roll over and see Spencer, as soon as I see her I remember everything from last night the fight, her and Naomi me and Samantha , wait Spencer loves me how could I forget about that, the words I've waited so long to hear and I screw it up by passing out at the worst possible time ever, I just watch Spence sleep she looks so peaceful and she's making these little noises that are so cute then the little noises turn into moans, what! Oh my gosh I cant believe it spencers having a sex dream she mumbles something and moans again I wonder who she's dreaming about probably Naomi, my heart sinks a little spencers moans are getting louder and louder I turn over and try to ignore them.

"Mmm...Yeah...Ashley!"

Wait what! I can't believe spencers having a sex dream about me! I roll over so quick that I go flying off the bed and hit the floor I sit up and look at Spencer wide eyed with my mouth practically to the floor, then Spencer opens her eyes and starts smiling before bursting out into laughter. I pick up the pillow a chuck it at her and it hits her square in the face

"That wasn't funny Spence"

I try to be serious but I can't help but laugh along with her, I climb back into the bed and we sit there in silence just staring and smiling at each other

"It's nice you know...this...us like I mean us talking I hated it when we were fighting.. I missed you ash"

She says as she rolls over and is facing the ceiling so I do the same

"Um yeah it is, I missed you too"

I feel spencers arm brush against my own and my breath quickens for a moment then I feel her hand take my own and she intertwines our fingers, she strokes my thumb with her own and we sit there I don't say anything I don't want to wreck this moment no matter how stupid it may seem but with Spencer I can't help but analyse every touch and if it could mean something, Spence was drunk last night so I'm not sure to take what she said seriously or maybe I just don't want to believe it that she could feel the same way

"Hey ash um do you remember anything from last night?"

I think about whether I should say yes or not if I do she could regret it and things could be so awkward between us I feel her tighten her hold on my hand

"Uh no why? Oh my gosh don't tell me we slept together!"

I turn to look at her with my most serious face but as soon as our eyes lock we both laugh

"No ash it would take more than a couple of drinks for me to even THINK about sleeping with you"

She says with a smug look on her face, she looks so cute I can tell I'm getting in way to deep with this girl and its deffinatly taking its toll, I'm feeling so many things it's so frustrating I don't even know what I feel at the moment well to be honest I'm a bit angry at Spencer that she didn't tell me she was gay, like why wouldn't she tell me I'm her best friend.

"Hey Spence...why didn't you tell me?"

"Tell you what?"

"You know ...that you're...gay?"

She starts laughing, I give her a confused look I don't see what's so funny.

"So"

"What?"

I'm getting annoyed now she won't give me a proper answer and I'm pretty pissed she didn't even mention it

"What are you gay...straight...all of the above?"

She smiles and sits up

"Well ash I would have to say... I'm not into labels, now if you'll excuse me I'm hungry from all that wild hot sex we had last night"

She laughs and rolls her eyes and heads downstairs, I want to know why she's avoiding my question and I don't think "I'm not into labels" is an answer. I get up and follow her downstairs I'm not going to let this go I'm her best friend she should be able to tell me stuff like this.

I get downstairs and Spence is already cooking bacon and eggs

"You hungry?"

"No"

Ok that sounded a lot nicer in my head, she just glares at me

"What's wrong now?"

"Nothing why would something be wrong."

I say as sarcastically as possible

"Is it because I didn't answer your question?"

Oh is it that obvious I think I'm not angry at her just annoyed I tell her everything and she wouldn't even tell me this one little detail about herself.

"Maybe"

She looks at me smiling and moves closer to me our faces so close I can feel her breath on my lips, she smells so sweet I wanted to pull away I could tell what she was going to do, I can't let it happen I'm not planning on being spencers little experiment while she tries to figure herself out she moves in closer and just before our lips meet I pull away

"Come to think of it, I'm a bit hungry"

I don't look at her I can't

"What was that?"

"What was what?"

She looks at me with hurt and confusion in her eyes

"Whatever Ashley, I should go"

She goes upstairs grabs her things and she's out the door in a matter of seconds, I let her I didn't try to stop her or convince her to stay I let her go I let her walk out of my life probably for good. I should've stopped her! Why do I Always mess things up! I let the moment slip through my hands but As much as I wanted to taste those lips Spencer is confused and I don't want to be her little play toy she can't keep bringing me in then pushing me away, this is exactly what I didn't want, us to be like this were not even together and she doesn't even know how I feel and were practically at each other's throats every chance we get but she makes me feel so many things that no one else has she gives me butterflies with every touch and makes my heart pound like I've been running for miles . _Fuck it_ if things are going to be like this I may as well tell her right now if things are going to be like this I've got nothing to lose shell finally know what's been going on inside me I run down the hall to chase the girl of my dreams I swing the door open and I'm shocked to see who's standing there.

_**Please review sorry for the lag in update I've just lost my inspiration for this = (**_


	8. accidentally in love

**Sorry if I'm lagging in updating I am really busy at the moment, sorry if I disappoint with this chapter review pls! .xx**

**Ashley POV**

I can't believe who's standing in front of me , _Aiden_ of all times he had to come back now sure I missed him and all but I don't think now is exactly the best time I have to find Spencer

"_ASH!"_

He drops his bags a pulls me into the tightest hug I hug him back and plaster a fake smile on my face I can't let him know why I'm upset then I would have to explain my totally in love with Spencer and how I screwed everything up but he can't know that cause well he is totally and completely in love with her...

"_Aiden hey um come in, what are you doing back so early?"_

I try to be happy but the disappointment of him being here manages to show.

"_Oh dad had a business trip he had to go to so I thought I'd come back you don't seem too happy to see me is this a bad time? I can go if you like."_

My head was screaming yes I wanted him to leave so much I need to fix things

"_No no not at all so how was your trip?"_

Aiden's face immediately lit up he began to tell me in full detail every inch of his trip where he went who he saw, what he ate and the whole time I can only think about her the one girl I've ever fallen for the one that makes me feel so many things it's hard to describe..._my best friend _

The more I think about her the more upset and confused I become I'm trying so hard to hold back tears as I think about Spencer and how she could hate me right now and not even me declaring my undying love for her would fix things

"_So yeah that's pretty much it so anything interesting happen while I was gone?"_

I can't hold back anymore the tears start and I can't stop them I don't even try to, I have to let all my bottled up emotions out Aiden immediately wraps his arms around and asks what's wrong but it's hard to answer that question when nothings right, How did things get so fucked up.

**Spencer POV**

I get out of Ashley's house as fast as I can and as soon as I slam the door behind me the tears begin I don't understand this can't be right... how can someone can choose to love someone then change their mind I'm just wondering why and if it was something I said? I'm so confused that After all the signals Ashley sent me and the hints she's dropped after my speech how can she not want me I've done everything to prove I like her and want her so why can't she be brave and want me back?

There's only one person who understands how I'm feeling right now and that's , _Naomi_ she's the only one who actually seems to care about me and how I feel anyway I walk around a while longer just to clear my head the tears haven't stopped tho and to be honest I don't think they're going to stop anytime soon, I reach Naomi's house I know its hers cause I've been here once before and how could I forget the only house in miles that's yellow with a big blue door and garden gnomes taking up almost every patch of grass in her front yard.

My finger barely grazes the doorbell before the door is opened and Naomi is standing there the smile she had soon fades as she realizes I've been crying she wraps he arms around me and doesn't say anything I'm sure she can guess why I'm like this, she pulls away from me and takes my hand and leads my inside and up to her room.

"_So what happened?"_

I sit there in silence for a minute trying to figure out where to start.

"_Oh um don't worry you don't have to tell me if you don't want to."_

"_No it's ok"_

I say with a weak smile and begin to tell her everything.

"_well basically long story short at the party I told Ashley how I felt and how I still feel and things were so good and finally going the right way but she passed out and the next morning she didn't remember anything and she asked me what I was like if I was gay or straight but I couldn't answer her like I mean how am I suppose to answer her question when I don't even know myself? I could tell she was angry at me for not answering, and then I did probably the most stupidest thing ever... I tried to kiss her"_

I look at Naomi and she's just staring at me speechless at what I've just told her.

"_I'm confused why was it stupid to kiss her? I thought she liked you"_

"_I thought so to but I guess I was wrong, I guess everything I told her and the kiss meant nothing I was just another one of her toys, her play thing she had me wrapped around her finger and she knew it."_

We sit in silence for a bit Naomi taking in all that I've just said to her and me thinking about the one person who less than a few hours ago had my heart beating so hard and fast and the only one who gave me those butterflies that flutter around but now those butterflies are making me sick I could really do without them all they do is kick and my hearts been shattered once again I'm starting to think that if it stops beating it won't hurt this much.

"_You know what we need..."_

Naomi asks me with a cheeky grin before disappearing into another room; she comes back with a bottle of vodka before sitting down on the floor in front of her bed and patting the space beside her I can't help but smile it's so typical of her to fix everything with a bottle of something.

Were lying on her floor side by side and already half way through the bottle of vodka and I can already feel the effects so much so that out of all things I'm talking about politics turns out Naomi's really into all that stuff.

"_I once tried to run for president of that stupid dump they call a school I had posters and errrryything you should've seen it, I could already see my name in lights Naomi...get to know me "_

I laugh at her words and how ridiculous they sounded

"_Hey I thought it was quite catchy" _

She says as she playfully slaps my arm

"_Yeah, well, so is aids"_

We both burst into laughter, it soon dies down and we lay in comfortable silence before I sit up and rolls on my side to face her.

"I've been wondering..."

"Yeah?"

She says as she sits up and leans on her elbows and lays her head in her hands she looks so cute and has the cheesiest grin on her face.

"What do lesbians..._do? _In bed I mean_"_

I say as I feel my cheeks burn and a shy smile stretches across my face, She stares at me for a moment like I've just asked her to strip and run around naked.

"I know what you mean, how would I know?"

She says as she takes another mouthful of the vodka

"So you've never?"

"No Spence... I've never"

She says as she covers her face with her hands and her cheeks begin to turn the brightest red and she lets out a small giggle

"Like… Is it all brogues and strap-ons, or…?

I can't help but laugh at Naomi's facial expression as I ask.

"No! I mean I don't know...they just do what we do to ourselves. Only to each other, probably slightly more aggressively. And with, you know _oils_ and stuff."

We look at each other trying to hold back the laughter but we both fail I'm almost in tears so is Naomi.

"Oils, eh?"

I say as I raise my eyebrow with a smug smile

"Yeah, lots of it, oiillzz"

I still wonder why I love Ashley so much even though we can't ever be together and I may be slightly drunk but I can't help but notice how happy I am with Naomi she's always been here for me to pull the pieces of my breaking heart together and hold them in place even if it was only for a little while and when I showed up at her door I was ready to give up on love I hated it and what it did to me, but she made me realize that I shouldn't give up on love because, it's one of the best feelings in the world love doesn't hurt and make you feel like shit _heartbreak_ does, and there's always someone who loves you, even if it's not the person you were hoping for...

**Pleeasseee review =)**


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